Jam Session (00:00)
[Music]

Ji Kim (00:08)

Welcome to the Jam Session podcast, whereby tuning in, we hope you tune into your purpose. I’m your co-host, Ji Kim.

Mel Hightower (00:16)
and I’m your co-host Mel Hightower. Today we are going to get into the topic of being the fixer in your family. You know the rule. It is the peacekeeper in the group. It is the person who bails everyone out, whether emotionally or financially. And for some of us, it is exhausting.

Ji Kim (00:39)
For most of us, it is exhausting now.

Mel Hightower (00:43)
Some people like being the fixer.

Ji Kim (00:44)
That is true, but we decided on this topic because I recently had an experience with my sister and came to you and realized you are the fixer in your family and both of us thought, we can’t be the only ones that are fixers in this world.

Mel Hightower (01:02)
No, there are definitely other certified fixers out there. And if you are feeling exhausted from having that fixer role, you have to first identify that and then figure out what comes next for you. So on this episode, we will talk about the signs that you may be the fixer, the impact that can have on you, and how to change that dynamic if you’re ready.

Ji Kim (01:30)
if you want to.

Mel Hightower (01:32)
Okay, let’s dive in. How do you know you are the fixer? Because many of us are serving in that role without even realizing it. and I have come up with a few questions you can use to determine whether that’s you. First up, are you the one that everyone calls no matter what time of day? Are you the first phone call in the time of crisis?

Ji Kim (01:59)
The second question is, are you often drained after stepping in?

Mel Hightower (02:04)
That’s a good one. Another is, have you ever been called the glue in your family? The responsible one. When you get called that, do you secretly resent it and wish you could be the wild one? The carefree one?

Ji Kim (02:12)
The strong one.

Are you often wondering when you’re getting the call to step in to fix their problems, you ask yourself, how did I even get this role?

Mel Hightower (02:35)
Or do your parents tell you, we don’t need to worry about you because you’ll be fine. You’ll figure it out. Last question, do you volunteer before people even come to you because it is just easier if you step in and fix it? Because that is a pattern established over time. If you can answer yes to most of those questions.

Then, congratulations, you are the fixer.

Ji Kim (03:09)
you win nothing.

Mel Hightower (03:13)
You win this episode. You can come on down. Join the fixer community. We are here.

Ji Kim (03:20)
Mel, I know you’re a fixer. I’m a fixer. Our listeners would love to hear how you came into the role, how you handled it, what’s your role in your family. Walk us through all that.

Mel Hightower (03:34)
The first time that I realized I was the fixer in serving in that role, my dad was sick and my dad passed away from lung cancer when I was 27. As he was in and out of the hospital in the final stages, he pulled me to the side and said, big dog. That was his nickname for me. He told me, I want you to look out for your siblings. I loved my father dearly. So anything he asked for, I was willing to do.

After he died, I think I suspected that he was providing financial support to us because my siblings and I, were all in our twenties. But I didn’t realize the extent of it until after he passed. Without even being asked, I stepped into that role of being the financial fixer. I was stepping in to pay a bill, to cover costs in some way. And over time,

It went from being something that I did to almost there being an expectation. I would serve in that capacity. And that’s when it changed emotionally too for me. From being a source of pride, a way to honor my father’s wishes to being something that I resented. Over time, I felt

that my contribution to my family was measured financially. As a result, I kept on looking to make more money. I was fixated on being able to have enough. And I also didn’t ask for help because I felt that I was my backstop. And it was exhausting. I was working like crazy, multiple jobs.

It just wasn’t sustainable for me. It had to stop. I talked to my sister first. She is such an amazing human in so many ways. We both had a good cry. She had no idea that I was feeling overwhelmed, that I was feeling as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders, that I was feeling as if I was just a bank in many ways. I, on the other hand, was shocked.

“How could you not know? You see me out here grinding?” And she simply thought, well, that’s what you do. You’re always grinding. I had created this expectation. So we talked and I’m so happy we did because then things changed between us immediately. Then I talked to my brother and talking to brothers…

It was the shortest conversation ever. There was no emotional kumbaya. He just said, ⁓ okay, cool. And then it stopped. I was a nervous wreck leading up to it because I felt as if I was gonna be shunned or rejected when I had them. But all I walked away with is if only I had sat down and talked to them sooner, how differently this, you know,

this could have all turned out. But I had to take accountability for that because I was silent. I was suffering in silence. And I realized that that was me.

Ji Kim (07:08)
There’s so much to unpack there, but I do want to start with even your nickname from your dad, Big Dog. Was that always your nickname? That nickname in itself is already giving you the fixer role in the family at a young age. Big Dog to me, as you articulated, is someone who is a leader, steps up, steps in, fixes things. So he saw something in you, obviously.

But that also puts a lot of pressure on you to live up to your nickname.

Mel Hightower (07:42)
It does, and I had that nickname from a very young age. I was a middle child, so it’s odd to be the one in charge when you’re the middle child, but I was. I was just talking to my mom about this, that I would sit in my room as a kid and make checklists and go through them. And it gave me so much satisfaction to have that happen. It showed up in other ways where my parents were constantly pushing me. They pushed all of us.

But my brother and sister would always joke, they’re writing your autobiography. There was this expectation of something more, expectation of greatness, expectation of excellence that was really built into me from a very early age. I took on that mantle and I pushed myself. A lot of my childhood was about achievement.

it was nature and nurture.

Ji Kim (08:43)
Nicknames come from somewhere and it has a huge impact on us. The other question I had for you just hearing your story is, you’re suffering silence. How did that impact your relationship with your siblings?

Mel Hightower (09:00)
Luckily, it didn’t impact it permanently. But at the time, I remember avoiding conversations because I feared it was going to be part catch up and then part financial.

Ji Kim (09:16)
They call and, you would try to avoid it because the assumption was they need something like monetary.

Mel Hightower (09:23)
⁓ because I thought it would be a dual-purposed conversation. That feeling of, can’t you just ask me about how I’m doing? Why can’t we have a conversation about my day? And I talked about it earlier, that feeling of the only value that I had was the financial contribution that I could make.

That feeling was the catalyst for the conversation with my siblings.

Ji Kim (09:54)
Which

brings me to the other question of a simple conversation alleviated a lot of the stress on the relationship with your siblings and also you having this rule that you no longer wanted to continue on. What stopped you from having that conversation before you actually had it?

Mel Hightower (10:16)
It was twofold. It was the promise that I had made to my father that I was going to be the one to look out for everybody. And then it was partially guilt. My siblings are successful in their own right. But at that time, I was the highest earning of the three of us. Because we were all so close in age, I felt the obligation to share the wealth, so to speak.

and to not let my success be a siloed success. It had to be shared because that’s what you do. It’s cultural. There’s just this duty, this obligation to make sure your siblings are okay, which is so odd that I had this level of commitment and pressure because my siblings were doing okay.

Ji Kim (11:09)
How would you describe your relationship now because with your siblings because this conversation was was it 10 years ago you said.

Mel Hightower (11:16)
⁓

it was 12 years ago.

Ji Kim (11:19)
You’re far removed, I’m still in it. So it’s also me asking to see where I might end up. I do think it’s important for our listeners to understand if you are still the fixer, what’s your role now?

Mel Hightower (11:33)
I am still the fixer, but on my terms. And most of the support that I provide is as an emotional cheerleader. And I enjoy that immensely. It aligns more with who I am and what I get out of it. I’m helping my siblings sort out the challenges that are in front of them and they are a participant in that. Whereas with financial support, it feels more zero sum.

Ji Kim (12:00)
like transactional.

Mel Hightower (12:02)
I was financing their dreams at the expense of my own.

Ji Kim (12:08)
Which is such an important point, is our decisions. When you’re playing the financial fixer role in your family, how that impacted how we live our lives and our decision. Because what you said there, financing someone else’s dream, that can so profoundly impact your wellbeing, but also the relationship you have with your siblings. But how would you describe your relationship now with your siblings?

Mel Hightower (12:38)
So healthy. What I had to realize is that it was also ego thinking that I had to be the solution to everyone’s challenges. And when you step back and honor that person as a whole, know, my siblings are full grown folk, then

you get to see them really flourish. And I think it changes the dynamic of our relationship. I’ll give a good example. My mom relocated to Atlanta and did not tell me until she was ready to close. She is in perfect health, but she was thinking about getting older. So she and my sister had the conversation and my sister is going to serve as her primary caregiver as she ages.

They had that conversation and it was all set. As a result of that agreement, my mom had to relocate and she bought a house. I went to her and I said, mom, why wouldn’t you tell me? That’s a huge decision. And she said, Melinda, if I had told you, you would have tried to take over. You would have tried to do everything and there was no need for you to do it. We’ve got it covered.

Ji Kim (13:57)
It’s fascinating to me because as fixers, we resent it. It impacts us emotionally and physically, but yet when something happens, there’s a knee-jerk reaction to step in.

Mel Hightower (14:14)
There is, that’s about, well, if you’re not the fixer, what role do you have in your family?

Ji Kim (14:20)
And what role do you want to have? I’m in the middle of trying to figure that out considering the fact that I have been the fixer for most of my life.

Mel Hightower (14:32)
How did you come into that role?

Ji Kim (14:35)
I do believe my parents assigned this role to me. Typical immigrant story, we moved here when I was very young, I was four years old. And oftentimes with immigrants, your parents may not speak the language. So the children who are growing up in America speak the language. So you step in at a very young age as a fixer.

The children of immigrants have exposure to adult situations at a very young age. So for me, that’s where it all started.

Mel Hightower (15:09)
So taking a step back, was that something that was shared by your siblings?

Ji Kim (15:14)
That was very much shared by my siblings. mean, all of us sort of had that role. Me later on, because that’s four, my sister’s five years older and my brother’s six years older. So I would say when we first moved to the States, they had that role sooner than I did because what was I really gonna do at four? But then as we got older, a couple of factors came into play which made me the fixer one, the role that my parents

put on me their characteristics of being the independent, go-to person, the responsible one. That was put on me at a very young age. To my sister was older, so was my brother, and they started having their own life. And so I was home more, which then allows your parents to rely on you more. And then it just slowly creeps into your being, where you don’t even…

realize it’s a rule, you assume this is who you are, it becomes the norm amongst all the family members. So all the kids have different personality traits assigned to them, whether or not that’s what was always there. I’m not exactly sure, but my brother was the quiet one who

was the oldest son, yet my parents didn’t necessarily trust that he was going to take care of everything because he was shy and more of an introvert.

Mel Hightower (16:34)
That sounds like my brother. Golden Child.

Ji Kim (16:37)
But also the golden child. I’m Korean and back then I’m sure gender came into play as well. And then there’s my sister who’s a Millenial child. She’s the creative, the crazy, you know, gone to a lot of trouble, but wouldn’t describe her as the responsible one. My parents wouldn’t necessarily attribute that characteristic to her. And then there’s me the youngest, very studious, very focused, stubborn, but always did the right thing.

Mel Hightower (17:04)
You were the rule-following.

Ji Kim (17:06)
Yes. So that’s our family dynamics. Once you start getting older, this rule is just who you are. You know, at 18, when everybody was going off to college and experiencing young adulthood and what life has ahead of you, I had to figure out a way to financially support the family. Because

My parents had a restaurant, it wasn’t doing so well. We had a mortgage, a lot of debt collectors. So it was essentially put on my brother and myself because we were still home. My sister had moved out in and out. But again, my brother and I are more the responsible ones or that’s what my parents would say. So that financial burden was put on us and heavily on me. So

You’re going to school, you’re working full time, and you’re just kind of trying to figure it out. But you don’t really complain because this is what you do as a family. You all work together and you help the family rise up. But then as you start building your career, for me at least, this role of now not only being the financial fixer, you take on this role of the emotional fixer.

Mel Hightower (18:33)
I’m very curious about your relationship with your siblings at this time. Were you the fixer for them as well? You and your brother were kind of jointly serving as the fixer. You in the primary, he in the secondary for your parents, but then how about with respect to one another?

Ji Kim (18:50)
In my late 20s is when I was not only the emotional fixer for the family, but also the financial fixer as well. And when I say emotional, mean, you’re the go to when shit hits the fan and they need someone to talk to or they want someone to find a solution or, you know,

Your mom is not feeling well emotionally. You’re the person that they call. Having one role is difficult, but for me having both roles, it weighed really heavy on me without realizing.

Mel Hightower (19:30)
I’m curious how it impacted choices that you made in career, in relationships. If you were pouring financially and emotionally into your family, what did you have left over for those things?

Ji Kim (19:42)
I would say I put myself last. And I still to some degree do that with my family, but again, I’m still in it and breaking away from the fixer roll. to answer your question, none of my choices ever felt like my choices.

Mel Hightower (19:59)
Tell me more. What do you mean by that?

Ji Kim (20:01)
So every choice I made, was never about what is best for Ji. What role, what career, what company, what city I want to live in. It was more about how does these choices impact my parents and my siblings and their children. You start making your life choices not based on what you want, but what is best for your family.

Mel Hightower (20:28)
Support starts feeling like sacrifice.

Ji Kim (20:31)
In the beginning, didn’t feel like sacrifice. In the beginning, when I started making an X amount of money and I could help my parents out, I paid off their house. And when my brother needed money helping him out, when my sister needed money, you feel privileged. You feel thankful that you could step in. But then you hit a certain age and you look at your life.

And these are the choices I made, but you have to come to terms with what brought you there and be honest about it. I always felt like I had to choose me or my family.

Mel Hightower (21:12)
The choice was clear, it was always your family.

Ji Kim (21:16)
And the crazy thing is Mel, like you…

You suffer in silence. That is the fixer. There’s probably some characteristic in us and the fixer person where they suffer in silence.

Mel Hightower (21:34)
never really thought about why fixers don’t stand up for themselves and say I’m tired of it. I suspect it may be because there isn’t another option.

Ji Kim (21:44)
So yeah, I never knew there was another option. For me, it always came down to, okay, we need to pay $8,000 for our pipes. Who’s do that? It’s not gonna be my mom. It’s not gonna be my sister. It’s not gonna be my brother. That’s Ji. Your sister’s going through a divorce and she needs to find an apartment who has $10,000. There was no one else who was gonna do it.

faulting my siblings, I stepped in because I truly knew there were no other options.

Mel Hightower (22:22)
Many times fixers are living with the reality that you are the sole option. There are not alternatives. Ji, I am struck by you paid off your parents mortgage. And my reaction is that is such a blessing that you were able to do that. Do you see parental support and sibling support differently?

Ji Kim (22:42)
I used to not, but now I do. So I used to see it as they’re all my family, parents and siblings. Yes, my parents raised me, but to some degree my sister raised me as well and my brother’s my blood. So whatever they need, I feel privileged and grateful to be able to do it. Then it changed to, well, they’re grown ass people with their own kids.

Mel Hightower (22:46)
Tell me more.

Ji Kim (23:12)
Can they not figure it out?

Mel Hightower (23:15)
That is not what I thought you were gonna say. It’s so interesting that you go there. And I would walk through fire for my parents because I know how much they sacrificed in order to make sure that we had everything.

Ji Kim (23:31)
They went without so we could have. I know that about my mom and dad.

Mel Hightower (23:35)
Yeah, so there’s already this reciprocity that exists when you are the fixer for your parents versus with siblings, it has a different dynamic because your peers and especially when you’re not the oldest, like, okay, why is it only one of us is able to function in this way?

Ji Kim (24:00)
I agree with that. would till this day walk through fire for my parents. I no longer make my decisions based on my parents, but I will always support them. The dynamic, like you mentioned with the siblings is very different because they made their choices. Listen, I love my sister. My sister is literally my best friend, but I’m just going to say it. She is the complete opposite of me. She had

the opportunity to live her life, move in and out, make poor choices, not have to think about consequences. And my mom and I were always there to fix it. So I almost look at her in awe sometimes. And I don’t mean this with ill will. What does it feel like to move through this life without feeling guilt about saying no to your family when they need help?

Because I don’t know that feeling. I’m still in this mode of transitioning away from a fixer.

Mel Hightower (25:03)
In my experience, that is the classic fixer. And the impact of being a fixer is that everyone else around you gets to fall apart. They get to make mistakes. They get to… Yes, all of those things. However, you have to constantly play it safe. You have to be the calm one. You have to always have your act together. You don’t get to be vulnerable.

Ji Kim (25:16)
⁓ Come undone.

Mel Hightower (25:32)
as the fixer. Because you are projecting all of this calm, you don’t want to add to the drama. So that’s part of the reason why fixers suffer in silence, because if you said something that would just add more that you would have to navigate through.

Ji Kim (25:49)
I agree with that in the sense that we’re like crumbling inside and coming undone but to the outside world we’re calm, collected, we’ve got the solution, let me get my checkbook, we’re gonna do XYZ.

Mel Hightower (26:02)
That’s the pattern we have of following up and saying moving forward.

Ji Kim (26:06)
Yeah, but then, which in turn, because your family or your friends see this, they continually come back to you because they see the common collective. ⁓

Mel Hightower (26:16)
The things that make you good at being a fixer ⁓ are the things that also prevent you from turning that fixer energy on yourself and helping yourself. with that, Ji, can you talk about the catalyst for you? What was that moment that you were like, okay, I’m done here?

Ji Kim (26:40)
The bbuildup. I had that breakup when I was 40 years old and it starts making you re-examine your whole life and the journey I was on. I’m unpeeling and healing and getting to know myself in this new era post-breakup. And as you start digging deeper, you start seeing yourself differently, especially if you start stripping away your facade.

So it had been building for a while and stepping in and out, helping the families was a little frustrating, but also a non-issue. But about three months ago, I had a lot going on more than the usual. So it was a lot happening at once. And usually when I’m in my trauma, I could

handle it all and pretend it’s all together and then go into my shower and just come undone and cry quietly all by myself. But as I’ve healed and worked on myself, I am more readily available to show my emotions. On this particular day, it was a normal Monday, Mel, like any other day. My sister is obsessed with this new foster.

And she calls me, says to me, I want to come and see him. So I’m annoyed because I really have this whole thing planned. And in my mind, I’m like typical sister. I have this whole routine and agenda for the day. She just wants to come and see the dog. And instead of saying no, I just said, come at 10 a.m. She arrives at 9.45. And now.

Mel Hightower (28:30)
15 minutes early.

Ji Kim (28:31)
The fucking anchor that piled inside of me. And we all know it wasn’t really about the fact that she came early.

Mel Hightower (28:42)
Sometimes it’s just the smallest things that like, you know.

Ji Kim (28:46)
rage

in me. And she’s looking at me and I’m thinking, does this girl not see that I’m kind of a mess right now? She’s not even asking me, how are you doing? Are you okay? And just the topic about driving my niece, her daughter to and from school came up about her new schedule and I exploded.

because now I have all this shit going on. My dad’s possibly a stomach cancer, so we’re working through getting him ready for all his appointments. Then I have this new routine because of my new foster dog. I am driving my niece back and forth from school. Then I have the podcast with you, finding time to record, edit, the coaching business, trying to get clients. Like it was all of this.

And her nonchalantly just being like, hey, you’re going to get your knees from, this is her new schedule, you got to figure it out with her. I looked at her and I swear to you, like I looked back on that situation, I probably looked like a maniac. And I started yelling at her.

Mel Hightower (30:01)
and finally unloading all that you had been feeling.

Ji Kim (30:06)
Unleashed shit from way back as well on top of everything else where I looked at her and I just said, can you not call me because you need something or come by when you need something? Can you just ask me? I know you have a lot of shit going on. How can I help you? Can you take mom or dad to one doctor’s appointment? Can you just step up as a sister?

Mel Hightower (30:33)
After you unloaded, what was her response?

Ji Kim (30:36)
She said the best thing back to me. And that’s where this whole fixer rule really began to change three months ago, where after I unloaded, she looked at me and all she said to me was, this is your fault. You didn’t set your boundaries. You said yes, this is your fault. So don’t put your shit on me. Till the day I die, this will stay with me. It was the truest, most factual statement she’s ever said to me. And I had nothing else to say.

Mel Hightower (31:05)
It can be really humbling to realize that we own what we’re feeling. We own the overwhelm, the lack of fairness. We own that because we’re so busy caring for others that we did not stop to care for ourselves.

Ji Kim (31:23)
Not one bit. And not one bit did I ever stop in the midst of doing all this and saying yes. Did I not ever decide to say no? That statement hit me so hard. I took a week to sit on it, to ponder it. And there was ⁓ a shift in me that you could not believe. It was a combination of feeling the emotion

being ready to be honest with myself and then hearing my sister say something so truthful. It’s the culmination of all that where I realized, ⁓ okay, you are really ready to step out of this role within your family. My sister and I had a really good conversation after that. mean, and it wasn’t that I was angry with her, it was more of, how did this bitch hit the truth so fast in one statement that really impacted my life?

Mel Hightower (32:21)
Well, you weren’t ready to see the possibilities of what could be, and that’s the cost of being the fixer. You don’t really get to contemplate what if.

Ji Kim (32:33)
Part of it is if you really owned it, then you have to realize it’s on you to change it. No matter how much work I’ve done on myself, there’s still things that it’s hard for me to admit to myself. this was one of them. I honestly told her I need to take a step back from being the go to for everybody in this family because it is

emotionally, physically, and financially draining me. And I’m at a point in my life where I make choices that are for me. And she totally got it. I mean, she’s like, you’re my sister. I love you. I want that for you.

Mel Hightower (33:18)
It’s stunning that all it takes is a conversation.

If it were that simple because often we’re fighting ourselves. Yes, the conversation can be the catalyst, but you had that revelation after you’ve been doing all this work on yourself that you are now finally ready to see that there is a different way.

Ji Kim (33:45)
Yeah, I don’t know why I kept thinking saying no to your family meant you didn’t love them and you’re not going to make a change until you’re ready to because my therapist had been telling me this for so long, which is one, you stepping in always and fixing it for your family doesn’t allow your siblings to step up and fix things and allow them to grow to

The guilt that you feel, yes, initially will be hard, but the more you set your boundary, you will actually feel less guilty because you’ll see your siblings step up. Then you’ll feel a lot more comfortable saying no because you see they can handle it. So it was me, it was me perpetuating the cycle. It was me unable and maybe to some degree unwilling because then, you you take pride in being the fixer.

Mel Hightower (34:41)
There is you have an important role as the

Ji Kim (34:43)
Yeah,

you get something out of that. Because why else would you be doing it? ⁓

Mel Hightower (34:50)
It presents a question of how do you solve it? Because there is a way to serve as a fixer and there’s a way to get to that healthy balance in your family dynamic where you feel as if you’re supporting not self-sacrificing. And to your point, it’s all about boundaries. But boundaries are easier said than done. What worked for me was geographic distance.

I had a career opportunity in California and my family lives in the Midwest and the South. I took it and it was as if I had a new lease on life. That physical distance and the time zone difference helped me to crystallize or better envision the boundaries that I wanted.

Ji Kim (35:38)
It’s a built-in boundary because like your mom you can’t drive to your mom’s or your siblings house to fix anything

Mel Hightower (35:44)
Not at all. So that was the first thing that I did. And then to your point about the guilt piece, it was coming to the realization that I didn’t love my family any less by stepping back, that support can take so many different forms and that we each deserve the opportunity to step up when needed. My family is going to be okay.

don’t need to serve in the fixer roll for them. They can, will and do figure it out for themselves all the time. Once you see it, then it really hits home for you and it becomes easier the next time in the next to step back. But I will tell you it was an uncomfortable feeling that they would tell me about something happening. I’d be like, so how are you going to handle that? What are you going to do about it?

And it killed me to say that because in my mind I had the solution, but instead I just let it play out. And my conversation was more about the emotional support of navigating to a solution rather than writing in with a financial fix. Learning to stay in my lane was a huge part of it.

Ji Kim (37:01)
For listeners, I had to sum it up for us, asking yourself, do you even enjoy being the fixer and being honest with yourself? And then the second step, and you can articulate what parts you want to excuse yourself from, then having the appropriate conversations with the people involved. Because

Mel and I waited until we were about to have a nervous breakdown to have that conversation and you’d be surprised. Oftentimes they want the best for you so they’re going to support you. And then three, laying out the boundaries. What are you going to say yes to? What are you going to say no to? Help your family understand that so they come to you less for the no’s.

Mel Hightower (38:00)
To that, recognize that gentle reinforcement may be needed because if the pattern is established and well-worn, you need to articulate and re-articulate those boundaries to folks as you are starting this transition into being a fixer on your terms or not at all. I still enjoy being a fixer. Ji, do you even want to be a fixer?

Ji Kim (38:27)
I no. Listen, I’m a fixer for my dogs. I love working with my clients. I really don’t want to be in this fixer role with my family. I’m probably more comfortable doing it financially than emotionally, frankly, because the emotional part of it really drains me. that’s another piece is know which parts of it you’re comfortable with and what

you’re not comfortable with. If you knew us, that would make sense. I want to write a check and be done.

Mel Hightower (39:03)
Yes, where I am the Care Bear and want to have Care Bear stare and be all in it with you.

Ji Kim (39:08)
The

last piece of it is start practicing saying no once you’ve put up your boundaries and let your family step up and you will see that they will own it and then you will become way more comfortable saying no and that is actually going to strengthen your relationships because the dynamics and the relationship is based on

family versus needing each other for something.

Mel Hightower (39:39)
And that is what the journey to healing looks like. With that, I will say, this is a whole lot. I want you all to know, just in case it wasn’t clear, we love our families dearly.

Ji Kim (39:53)
I mean, who knows? After they listen to this episode, can guarantee my sister’s gonna call me and be like, that’s not how it went down. But, it is.

Mel Hightower (40:04)
And this is the thing, it’s all about its impact on you and no one can argue with its impact on you. We hope this gives you the encouragement that you need to check in with yourself and to determine the role that you want to play in your family. We want to hold space for the fixers who love being fixers, but also want to encourage those who find that role draining that there is something different out there.

Both are equally valid and think about what aligns best with you and what you want for your life. Drop us a line at info at jam session dash podcast.com. Please, we would love to hear your fixer stories and any other questions you may have.

Ji Kim (40:49)
Thank you. And as always, we’re so grateful for you to listen to our podcast.

Mel Hightower (40:55)
Yes, and we hope that by tuning in to us, it helps you to tune in to your purpose.